Somehow I want to write tonight, so here I am, finally. It's not that I don't want to write, I got a lot of ideas, so many thoughts on my mind, if you could just hear my head screaming... Specially at night, it's like I tell myself stories, I talk to myself in silence everynight, summarizing things and making up stories. I consider myself an artist, but in my own way, for myself. The things I do are for me, my creations are for me 'cause this is my life and what I do. And if I ever do something that is not just for my own, it would be for pleasure or 'cause I really need it. You see, I used to go to painting classes when I was young and the teacher really loved me, she was very nice. She taught us some French as well too, while we were painting, she made us say the numbers or common words in French. She spoke French and loved Paris, that's why but I think it was cool, to paint and learn another language at the same time, since we were kids and kids learn easily and faster. But well, she loved me a lot and wanted me to be an artist and to study art (well, I don't find the exact word, I don't know who you say it in English but I guess you know what I mean, to be an artist, right?) and become a painter. However I didn't want that, I loved to paint but just for the sake of doing it, you know, in my spare time. And I preferred to draw, to use my black pen and draw the shadows and all. When I was younger I used to paint a lot of dolphins 'cause I love dolphins, they are my favourite animal and there was a program on tv that showed them everyday, doing their acrobatics. I used to sit down on the desk I had on my other house, next to the tv and drew them, in every position, every day.
Lucy, my painting class teacher, still comes to my mom's and asks for me. Sometimes I'm there and I talk to her. She's getting old but she still tells me that I gotta study art. I smile, try to be nice. I have other plans although right now I don't even know what they are, everything's so messy. It's crazy. I don't know what I'm doing and where I'm going. There was a song, by Oasis, called Where did it all go wrong?

And I'm cast away right now and I don't know where I'm going, I wish I knew. I'm not doing anything, I wish I could. I'm drowning, I wish I could swim to save myself or have somebody to do it. I don't know if I'm scared of death, I think that maybe dying would be the best solution although I recognize it would be the easiest and at the same time the most cowardly way of dealing with things. But sometimes you get tired, you know. You get tired of all this shit you gotta represent, all the things you gotta do for the system. This is not happiness, it's not for me. I'm giving myself for another person. All the dreams I used to have, for a career that I think would take me to everything I wanted and I'm realizing that maybe that is not what I think it would and that maybe won't work as I thought it would. And that the world doesn't work as I thought it did, 'cause now I see the world with another eyes 'cause I experienced another part of it. I'm not a girl anymore. I told you I was gonna change and I did. Something changed on me and here I am. Whatever I am, the broken pieces of me try to stick together somehow but they can't. I'm another person with another perspective of the world trying to decide her future, having a lot of dependence in the person she loves and not knowing what to do. And I only have 17 fucking years old. I feel like I've grown up too fast. When I look at my class mates and think that I'm not gonna see them anymore, well, I was thinking that since I haven't been in class for over a week, maybe they didn't care about me. I didn't care about most of them either. Some of them asked how I was feeling. My friends are worried. It's hard to ask about feelings and intimacy though. But it's good to know that people has been asking about you while you weren't there, at least they know you exist.

But anyways, I hope I can solve this soon, I'm just waiting, as always. I don't wanna waste my time but what can I do if my life depends on other person when it shouldn't but it does? I'm weak like that, I wasn't but I am. I hate myself for that. If boys don't cry, girls are not weak. All lies.